We are pleased to announce the launch of our new app! Pindr is a dating service that connects users with the ancient author of their dreams. No matter what you’re looking for, Pindr has an ancient author for you.
Homer: Not my real name.
Hesiod: Nudist farmer in the market for a woman old enough to bear my children, but young enough not to have strong opinions.
Sappho: To what, dear white boy, shall I liken you? To a delicate twig I liken you most.
Anacreon: Kylix & chill?
Heraclitus: I’m not looking for anything long-term.
Pindar: Forge your pick-up line on the anvil of truth. And if you didn’t get the reference, do us both a favor and swipe left.
Parmenides: If you swipe right, our relationship can be; if you swipe left, it cannot. But not being cannot be, nor can anyone say that it can. And since one cannot do whereof one cannot speak, reason demands that you swipe right.
Zeno: Looking for someone willing to meet me halfway.
Herodotus: I love traveling and meeting new people. Message me if you value personal autopsy as much as I do.
Thucydides: My general avoidance of romance will, I fear, detract from my appeal; but if I should be judged worthy by those of you who are looking for something real, know that I am ready to make a commitment for all time.
Socrates: Hi guys! Socrates doesn’t have a smartphone, so some of his friends are making an account for him. He’s not conventionally attractive, but he’s such an amazing guy. Swipe right if you want a man who will turn your world upside down!
Plato: I’m philosophically opposed to the idea of dating apps, but nothing in this world is perfect.
Aristotle: There are two sorts of women: the sort that swipes right and the sort that misses out. Which kind of woman are you?
Epicurus: Good vibes only.
Corinna: Men have spent lifetimes trying to date me.
Callimachus: I like my lovers like I like my books: short.
Ennius: Trilingual tragedian tryin’ to talk to Tinderella.
Cato the Elder: Make Ausonia Great Again.
Cicero: O lucky you, to be single when I am single! Swipe right, and let your clothes yield to my arms.
Caesar: Don’t make puns on Caesar’s name. Everyone does it, and it isn’t cute. If we get dinner, do not order his salad. He will not be amused. If we sleep together, don’t ask Caesar to say the thing everyone wants Caesar to say when he finishes. Frankly, Caesar finds it disturbing that you even know what he means by that.
Lucretius: My love is as deep as the void that envelops us in everlasting emptiness.
Vergil: A good man is like a good line. He is measured and refined, and he is best when he has passed through the hands and lips of many men before I make him mine.
Horace: I swiped left on the wrong guy once, and I’ve regretted it ever since.
Tibullus: If you don’t find it romantic when a suitor shows up drunk at your door demanding entry, this isn’t going to work.
Sulpicia: If you’re the kind of guy who refers to me as a “poetess,” please dear god educate yourself and swipe left.
Ovid: I would definitely describe myself as woke, and I identify as a feminist. I spent some time in law school, but felt I could do more good as a writer. I’m actually writing a guide to modern dating right now.
Tacitus: Full disclosure: I’m coming off a bad breakup, but I promise I’m not bitter anymore.
Galen: I’ve written so many books I literally had to write a book about how many books I wrote. I’m also a doctor, so line up, ladies!
Perpetua: Online dating is like climbing a ladder made of knives to get to the tall bearded man at the top.
Plotinus: Are you The One I’ve been looking for?
Hypatia: Swipe left if you feel personally attacked when a woman is smarter than you.
Augustine: Heathens!
Bill Beck is a PhD student at the University of Pennsylvania and the current Edward Capps Fellow at the American School of Classical Studies at Athens, where he is finishing his translation of the first two books of the ancient scholia to the Iliad. You can find more of his writing here.
