Archaeologists Reveal “Altar of Trumpism”
Discovered in 2084 beneath the ruins of the American Democracy, the “Altar of Trumpism” was considered the jewel of the Trump Building Program. Originally designed as the spot at which Republicans would sacrifice true conservatism, adherence to the law, and personal decency in exchange for short-term political gain, it came to be used for the ritual slaughter of legislators who were observed not clapping enough during State-of-the-Union addresses by President Trump. This event would form the climax of the annual military parade (known as the TRiUMPh).
Mentula Maxima
The altar was originally constructed in alignment with a colossal statue of Donald Trump’s manhood which was purported to be life-size.
Made of orange marble, it had the following inscription encircling its shaft:
Mentula
Alta
Grandis
Ardua
The intention was for the shadow of the Mentula Maxima to penetrate the entrance of the altar every November 8. Unfortunately, the shadow was not long enough and it also came out of alignment with the entrance of the altar within only a few years. Because of this, and because no one referred to it by its proper name but only as “that Cheeto,” it was not rebuilt when it toppled during the cataclysmic stock market crashes of 2022. Instead, it was replaced by a colossal hand.
Crowning the Altar of Trumpism itself is a frieze depicting a procession of a large number of people.
Originally, archaeologists believed that this depicted a long line of illegal immigrants awaiting deportation. However, analysis of the paint residue (all of the sculptures were originally brightly painted) revealed that all of the figures were white. It is now known, based on the positive identification of a few individual figures, that this procession actually depicts Trump’s family, supporters, and others who fell in line behind him after the election.
In the following image we see, from left to right, Sean Spicer, Jared Kushner, and Ivanka Trump.
And here we see in the foreground Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Paul Ryan (perhaps Mitch McConnell), and Steve Bannon.
The Panels
On the eastern and western side of the altar were two panels. One panel on the western side shows a bearded Trump sacrificing Steve Bannon.
The other panel on this side shows a clean-shaven Trump slaying Hillary Clinton.
One of the eastern panels depicts a female figure amidst images of abundance.
The iconography of this panel is obscure. Some art historians think that the female figure is Melania Trump, but can not explain why she is here or what she is doing. Most believe this is a representation of the 2018 tax cut, surrounded by a cornucopia of corporate profits. The infants suckling at the breast of the figure may be the Dow and the Nasdaq. The bull at her feet is an obvious representation of the bull market. The female figures at either side are a mystery. They may symbolize the House of Representatives and the Senate, or they may portray prostitutes attracted to wealthy businessmen.
The other panel on the eastern side was removed during the second year of the Trump administration and nothing is known of its contents. It is reported to be now in the Hermitage Museum in St. Petersburg, not available for public viewing. The Kremlin denies this.
Vincent Joseph first saw the Ara Pacis as a college student in Rome in the 1980’s, when it was still housed in the fascist-style shed built for it by Mussolini and the guards did not mind if you and your friends took turns pretending to sacrifice each other on it. Since then he has published (under his real name) on Hellenistic Poetry, Virgil, and Ennius. He currently teaches secondary school in Massachusetts where he lives with his wife, two dogs, and four chickens.
